The Number One Relationship Buster

by Christine Harvey

Last night I was reading some university research. It said that the number one killer of relationships is ‘avoidance of discussing problems.’ It doesn’t matter whether it’s an intimate relationship or a relationship between friends and colleagues. It still holds true - that we increase the chances of killing the relationship if we hold back from discussing problems as we see them. The ‘problem’ could be as simple as a ‘feeling’ we have, or an ‘assumption’ we make about what the other person means, or an outright ‘disagreement.’

When I read that, it immediately brought to mind a discussion I had with my business partner, Liz Uible, last week. We were talking about how dangerous it is to ‘sweep disagreements under the rug.’ I was telling her my feeling that a major problem in marriages is just that. So many issues get swept under the rug, because WE HUMANS LIKE TO AVOID CERTAIN HOT BUTTONS we know exist between us as couples. Yet, over the years, as each issue is NOT discussed and is instead SWEPT UNDER THE RUG, the pile under the rug gets bigger and bigger. Pretty soon we start to trip over the pile under the rug and it undermines our whole relationship. And that’s what the research was basically proving.

So what the antidote? THE FORMULA, according to the university research, is as follows.
First, go to the person and invite them to pick a time that works for both of you to talk about the issue. State that the relationship is of paramount importance, and you know there must be a win-win solution.
Second, DO NOT go in with your own solution. The solution must be created between the two of you.
Third, get a ‘buy-in’ from the other person that they wish to talk and resolve it too. Don’t continue to talk without the buy-in agreement. If they immediately want to start talking, say, “Yes, we can talk now if you wish. Are you saying you want to resolve this together then?” Thus you solicit their buy-in.
Fourth, don’t be afraid of emotions – theirs or yours. When you begin to talk, they or you may find yourselves telling stoies of hurt or distress, and it may seem repetitious. You can let the stories repeat for a couple of rounds, but then say, “Let’s move on now to some possible solutions.”

One of the most interesting things for me in the research is that most problems have an 80% chance of having a win-win solution, AND YET MOST PEOPLE DON’T ENTER PROBLEM SOLVING WITH THIS ATTITUDE. Instead they enter it with the attitude of, “If you win, I must lose.” That surprised me because I’ve never had a win-lose mentality. I’ve always felt there is enough to go around for everyone. I may have had fear around discussing problems, but that’s been based on not having a blue print to follow. If that’s been true for you too, we can both now follow this blue print.

In Landmark Education, a worldwide organization focusing on personal and inter-personal development, one of the major lessons I learned was the importance of being ‘fully self-expressed.’ If we sweep things under the rug, we create NO OPPORTUNITY to express our views, and those feelings get stuffed down inside of us, becoming NOT ONLY THE MAJOR CAUSE OF RELATIONSHIP BREAKUP, but also the major cause of health problems. Or as Dr. Simonton, the renowned cancer specialist says, pent up resentment stemming from not expressing oneself, is a leading cause of cancer. So whether it’s the cancer of the relationship or the cancer of the body, we need to eliminate it, AND DO IT NOW.

3 SECOND FOCUS TIP – Determine now who you will approach in a new way, with an issue using the FORMULA above. You can select even a small issue to get you started, something that just niggles you. Liz and I make it a habit to HONOR EACH OTHERS NIGGLES. In fact, we’ve created a ‘plus system.’ If either of us doesn’t feel right about an issue, we tell each other. That then becomes AN OPPORTUNITY TO PLUS, meaning that we see it as an opportunity to FIND A HIGHER AND BETTER SOLUTION.

When we first started this system, early in our business relationship, we saw it immediately as gold. By being on the alert for ‘niggles,’ we are able to look for multiple ways to find higher and better solutions, which being joy to us, and prosperity to our clients! Well, that’s pretty hard to beat, isn’t it? Every time I do it with Liz in my business partnership, I’m inspired to do the same with my husband in our marriage! I can’t even begin to tell you what a difference this makes in life compared to not expressing ones self. - Why not try it and see what it can do for you too!

Try this and let us know YOUR results!