Monday, June 30, 2008

Criticism is Poisonous Without an Appointment=?ISO-8859-1?B?rSAg?= Manifest Moments=?ISO-8859-1?B?gQ==?=, Issue 15


From Christine Harvey, WomenForWealth.com

Hi All
F or some reason I keep picking up a book from my bedside table called ‘Your Road to Lifelong Happiness’ by Ken Keyes, Jr. Have any of you read his work? Here’s something I really like – perhaps we can all try it.

UnderCriticism is Poisonous Without an Appointment,’ he says this...

If you want to bring the miracle of unconditional love into your marriage (or any relationship) it is essential to give your new brain absolute instructions NEVER to criticize, judge, or attack your partner – unless you make an appointment first.

This intelligent strategy (of making an appointment first,)
eliminates the unexpected attack that your lover’s unconscious mind will program as: “This is dangerous.”

Unfortunately, criticism is a frequent behavior in most marriages, he says. People criticize to make another person feel afraid, guilty or ashamed. Through these painful emotions we are trying to control the other – to make them do what we want.

All criticism is an attack. When our partners defend themselves, their defense will be an attack back. So defense is also an attack. Keyes goes on to say that the Department of Defense in DC, used to be called the ‘War Department.’ And so a defense is an attack. To the subconscious mind, “defense,” “counterattack,” or “getting even” is a declaration of war.

For the best way to handle a concern, he refers to a process advocated by Dr. Hendrix, called The Couple’s Dialogue. This process allows your old brain to blow off steam.

It works like this:

  1. You start by making an appointment.
  2. Then you fully express your discontent.
  3. The partner repeats it back, and asks if what he heard is correct.
  4. You repeat that until all is on the table.
  5. Then your partner tries to identify your emotion ie fear, anger, frustration, resentment, hatred, jealously, etc.
  6. Then it’s your partner’s turn to be heard with you paraphrasing back, validating and empathizing (naming your emotions.)
  7. You keep taking turns until a win-win emerges.

It works wonderfully, he say, to reconcile both the inner child and the inner adult.

It goes on to say, “Most of the time we only marginally listen to each other.” In this process we must fully listen in order to repeat back.

In this process, notice that neither partner necessarily agrees or disagrees. Without using this process, your mate will feel not heard, and will continue to repeat the same thing over and over – and you’ll get ‘fed up’ fast.

So let’s try it and see!

3 MINUTE FOCUS TIP: The next time you have an irritation, make an appointment and try the above process. Then write and tell me how it worked. I’ll change the names to protect the innocent if I print it!

With love from ChristineHarvey@WomenForWealth.com
Christine Harvey is the Author of 6 Business and Leadership Books published in 25 languages by 48 publishers worldwide, including international best seller ‘In Pursuit of Profit.’
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