Triangualtion - 2nd Relationship Buster

by Christine Harvey

Dale Carnegie, author of 'How to Stop Worrying and Start Living,' advocates the avoidance of the 3 C's - Criticizing, Condemning, and Complaining.

Have you noticed how people complain to those around them about someone else, rather than going directly back to the source of the problem? According to university research, this is called 'triangulation.' And, it's the second biggest reason for relationship failures, (after avoidance of communication,) both on the job and in our personal lives.

What holds us back from going to the source of our problem rather than complaining to our peers? It's fear. Fear of confrontation. It's anger. Anger caused by misconceptions. And anger caused by jumping to conclusions. So we seek solace and compassion from others.

But in complaining to others several negative things happen. First and foremost is that the situation is never cleared up using that misguided method of problem solving. In fact, the problem escalates. Usually the person we complain about hears it second hand, and feels betrayed. That sets up an even more negative spiral than existed before. Often the source of the complaint is a misunderstanding in the first place and could easily be solved with one-on-one communication. By going directly to the supposedly offending person, we could say, "Joe, did you really mean that I wasn't doing a good job when you said what you said at the meeting this morning?" Joe is likely to say, "No, not at all. I meant something entirely different. I really appreciate your work."

Now, here's a challenge for you. I'd like you to look at this from a new perspective. WHAT CAN YOU DO next time this happens in your environment? Why not THINK OF YOURSELF AS A LEADER and role model in showing better ways for the world to operate? People are actually looking for effective ways to problem solve, but don't always know how. They continue to do what their parents did, or what they've been exposed to. Thus, dysfunctional relationships go down from generation to generation, from work place to work place, from country to country. YOU - YES YOU - CAN DO MUCH TO IMPACT THE WORLD AROUND YOU! Why not suggest a direct approach, and support them in their new behavior? From small acorns do large oak trees grow.

3 SECOND FOCUS TIP - The next time you encounter 'triangulation' - people complaining to you about another person, suggest that they go directly to the person in question and ask for clarification. Explain that there may be a miscommunication, and if the shoe was on the other foot, surely your friend would rather have it clarified directly, than have it spread around and not have a chance to clarify him or herself. By doing this, you'll be bringing the world back to a positive vibration, AND you'll be reinforcing a good behavior for yourself the next time you're tempted to complain rather than resolve!

Try this and let us know YOUR results.